Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring electricity into your home and take it back out before it has a chance to kill you. This is called a “circuit”. The most common home electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a “circuit breaker”; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.

Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you’ll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you’re not sure whether your house is possessed, see “The Amityville Horror”, a fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette table, etc.

Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: “WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?”

The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: “You are of course, no one is mightier than you.”

A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: “WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?”

The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: “Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle.”

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: “WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?”

Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: “Man, you don’t have to get so pissed, just ’cause you don’t know the answer.”

SPECIES: Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)

Description:
Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.

Courtship & Mating:
Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and a complete collection of Campbell’s soup-can recipes.

Feathering:
HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.

Plumage:
All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black plastic digital watch with calculator.

Track:
Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.

Song:
A rather plaintive “Is it up?”

Comments:
Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.

I’m not planning to make one, but it is inevitable. You will get around to thinking about it. So here’s my take on what I should do this year.

1. Quit smoking. Like I haven’t been trying to do this ever since I felt breathing through iron lungs after climbing a flight of stairs.
2. Lose weight and stay slim. That too.
3. Get out more. Of course, with my Chings.
4. Pay my debts. To credit cards, that is.
5. Optimize my blog for search engines.
6. Learn how to make my own theme for WordPress.
7. Learn how to make a plugin for WordPress.
8. Stop ripping off code from other blogs and theme-makers. Heh.
9. Finish a video game without cheating. Like that’ll happen.
10. Put more relevant content in my blog. Not just news from other websites. Nor gossip from the office.
11. Learn CPR. I should put this higher. Oh well.
12. Spend at least 5 minutes with every single one of my friends. And be nice with them.
13. Unlucky. Skip this one.
14. Stop being superstitious.
15. See every idea through until it is completed.
16. Finish writing the “Universal City Chronicles” I was working on before.
17. Finish writing my short story. Or rewrite it altogether.
18. Buy a new digital camera. After the wedding, most likely.
19. Buy new tires for my car.
20. Buy a new cellphone for my Chings and me.
21. Get married, have kids and live happily ever after.

Well, that’s enough for now. Too much or too little, I don’t care. I’ll be happy if I can achieve half of what’s on this list. That reminds me, I need to make more money.

Any suggestions besides monetizing this blog?

According to INQ7.net:
TWO major antivirus firms, Sophos and F-Secure, have reported a steep rise in malicious software and phishing scams in 2005 that are becoming more criminal in purpose. Both companies have also announced that the Zafi-D variant worm was the worst to spread this year.

The cause would be the increase of sales of computers. Correction: the increase of sales of computers with Window$. Another possible cause: More people are giving it as gifts to noobs who have no clue what a CD-ROM drive is for, besides holding cups. Also another possible cause: lesser and lesser people are Reading The F*cking Manual. It is not the Tech Support Rep’s fault if you can’t find the “any” key. So please. Be kind.